(THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!)

DALE Carnegie famously said: "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I say: "If life gives you hackneyed cliches and homespun parables, you are an unimaginative, slope-browed  troglodyte, most likely working as a sitcom show runner or writing romantic comedies." If that is the case, then you are wealthy enough to buy my amazing Balsamic Lemonade or Basil-Infused Limeade by the truckload. What is Balsamic Lemonade?  You are probably assuming that I'll use words like "elixir" or "concoction" or the more arcane "nostrum". No. It's just organic lemonade mixed with a meritage of 10-year, 12-year and 18-year aged balsamic vinegars. It is not a "cleanse". This will not flush IMAGINARY TOXINS from your bowel, kidneys or liver. It will not exorcise the curse put on you by the tarot card reader you stiffed at the Bodhi Tree. And although it is made with vinegar, it doesn't clean windows. It's a wonderful, homemade soft drink that tastes like nothing else. 

Some people ask, "What does 'balsamic' mean anyway?" After I roll my eyes and grunt "stupid idiot" through my teeth, I tell them that it a very old word that means "fragrant". There is the balsam herb, the balsam tree, and several types of flowering plants. Do any of them have anything to do with balsamic vinegar? No. Vinegar is a happy accident that occurs when vintners don't keep their bung holes shut. Air gets in the barrel, the wine turns to vinegar, and you have the start of something wonderful. Straight out of the barrel, wine vinegar is great. But when you age it in the wood for years upon years, something magical occurs. The sugars from the white oak wine barrels seep into the vinegar. Over time, the vinegar dehydrates and condenses, turning slowly into a sweet, tart, super potent, FRAGRANT vinegar. After decades of ageing, the wood turns to sponge, and a new barrel is built around the old. Some balsamic vinegars are hundreds of years old, living in their second or third barrel. At that point they are so thick, they can't even be poured. They stick to the teeth like taffy, the intense flavor lasting on the palate for close to an hour. They are so rare and distinctive that some cost as much or even more per ounce than gold. 

If you live in LA and you want some monkey love, I gotcha covered.